It's 5:48 on a Thursday- a week before Christmas break and I'm driving home. I have a million things racing through my mind. How does infertility seep into every part of my life? Today it's effecting my work. (Let's be honest- it has been for a while). Lately I have been feeling so inept at work. I hate feeling stupid any time- normally the remedy is to educate myself until I don't feel ignorant any more. But I am so distracted by my infertility- that I never allow myself the time to think about any thing else. I barely have time to juggle all the infertility/surrogacy stuff as it is. I can hardly get out of the bed in the morning just to make it to work on time, to work all day and sneak in time to orchestrate a surrogacy with lawyers, doctors, nurses, my carrier and my husband. Then I am driving home again, thinking about all of the stuff that needs to be done and didn't get done. The last thing I'm thinking about is what is for dinner- which then turns into a mini-drama every night when I have nothing to eat at 8pm. Each night between getting home and going to sleep, I could probably self-educate, but do I study electronics? no. Do I obsess about infertility and surrogacy? Probably. Do I get in some quality time with The Manager? Yes. I try to at least make this a priority. We walk and talk out the day- and in the end I hope this is what keeps us strong and united. So in prioritizing- I don't have time for making myself feel competent at work and right now it's getting to me. Even if I did set aside time to study- my heart and my brain are fixed on the emptiness and the need to figure out how to have a baby fast and with the money that we have. There is a part of my brain that is really excited to study electronics- but what is more pressing- and what always wins- is trying to figure out how to beat my infertile curse. Christmas break is only a week away- and I want to use the time to learn electronics, but I don't have my hopes up. I probably won't even crack a book.
The Phoenix - rising from the ashes of infertility. Super power- extreme worrying.